


Ain't Holdin' Nothin' Back, Yeah

by QueSeraAwesome



Series: Soulmate AUs [5]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Crack, F/M, Kaikaina the Yellow Hulk, Look- they talk about sex a lot, M/M, Multi, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-21 02:26:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1534199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueSeraAwesome/pseuds/QueSeraAwesome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wash looks down at the names on his wrists (Names. Two. Of all the people who’d end up with multiple people on their wrists, Wash didn’t think he’d be one of them. Apparently, he is.). Lavernius. Kaikaina.</p><p>“Well,” he says. “At least I’ll know them when I meet them.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ain't Holdin' Nothin' Back, Yeah

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Brick House" by the Commodores.  
> Crack ahead, guys.

Wash looks down at the names on his wrists (Names. Two. Of all the people who’d end up with multiple people on their wrists, Wash didn’t think he’d be one of them. Apparently, he is.). _Lavernius. Kaikaina._

“Well,” he says. “At least I’ll know them when I meet them.”

 

Kaikaina looks down at the pair of names on her wrists. _Lavernius. David._ She wonders what color it is. Grif’s yelling something about being out of oreos from the other room, but she’s mostly learned to tune him out atthis point. She grins at her forearms.

 _Threesomes forever,_ she thinks. _Awesome._

 

Tucker’s pretty pleased with himself when two names show up on his wrists. It’s like a physical confirmation that he’s got mad game with the bitches.

*

Wash is big on practical armor. You don’t wear flashy colors into anywhere you’re gonna get shot at. But when it comes time for him to choose his colors, he can’t help but ask for yellow accents. He just likes yellow, okay?

 

Most people keep their wrist names covered, you know? It’s a pretty private thing just to wave around. Kaikaina walks right up to the armor master and shoves her wrists in his face.

“I want that color,” she says. “Whatever it is.”

“But it’s _blue_ team—“

“Uh-oh,” Kai says. “Is it red? Do I have to switch?”

“What? No, I guess it’s okay. Are you sure?”

“Chyea,” Kai says. “The quicker I find them, the quicker I get a one way pass to train town, if you get what I mean. Hook a girl up, so she can get her hook up on.”

“Okay,” the armorer says. “Wait, what?”

 

Captain Flowers dies. Tucker gets his armor.

“Do you wanna paint it?” Church asks.

“Meh. Nah.”

Tucker is a rebel. He does what he wants.

*

Boy meets Girl. Her brother yells at him about fucking aliens. He yells back about fucking her. She yells “Woo hoo!” and Boy instantly knows he’s going to like Girl.

*

“You gotta name?” Tucker asks, “cause no offense, I don’t really wanna call you ‘sister’ when we fuck.”

“Oh, good, we’re fucking then?” The previously yellow-armored soldier asks. She’s just wearing a tank top now and a pair of panties. He’s stipped out of his armor as well. “You said your name was Tucker?

“That’s my last name, everyone goes by last names around here,” Tucker says. “It’s actually Lavernius.”

Sister stills, staring at him.

“What?” Tucker asks. “Did I say something wrong!”

Sister simply screeches excitedly and launches herself at him.

“Oh my god what the fuck!” Tucker yells. Her arms are wrapped around his neck and she’s starting to cut off air, not to mention blood flow. “Ease up! Is this what accounts for foreplay on your world?

“Lavernius, your name is Lavernius,” Kai beams, face inches from his.

“Is this a kink I don’t know about?” Tucker asks. “I’m cool with that, but—“

“I’m Kaikaina,” she says. She waves a wrist in his face, too quickly for him to get a good look, but he does see the blur of yellow. “You’re Lavernius. You got a David, too, right?”

“Holy shit,” Tucker says.

Tucker grabs her wrist and drags it over so he can look (which is totally rude, by the way, but she’s octopus-clinging to him in a tank top, no bra, and panties on, and she was just waving it in his face, so that train’s sailed. And sure enough, She’s got Lavernius in yellow on one wrist. He checks the other wrist and feels oddly relieved when he sees David there as well.

He leans up and kisses her, which she returns enthusiastically.

And then they sex. They sex a lot. Church might be a little traumatized.

*

Church does a lot of moping about Tex. Caboose does a lot of babbling and trying to cheer up Church in between . Tucker and Kai do a lot of sex. And they talk about David a lot, especially when things get really boring.

They play rock, paper, scissors over who gets to kiss him first. They play sexy hide and seek over who gets to put the first hickey on him. They spar over who gets to touch his dick first. They trade stories over what he’ll probably be like, how they’ll find them (Kai’s current favorite is the one Tucker came up with about a hot pizza guy). “

Okay, I’ll make you a deal. If you can find a way to sneak us into Red base to have sex on the roof, you can have the first blowjob with David.”

“Giving or getting?”

“Giving, duh. You gotta fight me for getting oral. Sheesh, I thought you knew me better than that.”

“Wait a minute,” Tucker says. “I don’t know how to give a blowjob.”

He turns big, concerned eyes at Kai and she smiles and pats him on the head. “Kai, you gotta teach me your ways.”

“I’ll go get a banana. And a cucumber, if we have one.”

*

“What do you think his dick’s like?” Kai asks.

Tucker thinks about it.

“Sick,” he says finally. “It’s gonna be rad. It’s gonna rock our worlds.”

“You think so?” Kai asks.

“’Course I do,” Tucker replies easily. “The universe wouldn’t dare give us a David who didn’t have a great dick.”

“Do you think it’ll be better than mine?” Kai asks.

Tucker eyes her dildo collection.

“Which one?” he asks.

“Yeah, stupid question,” Kai concedes bashfully. “So, cut or un-cut?”

“Okay,” Tucker says. “I’ve got a great theory on this one. So—“

*

“You gonna take the orders?” Kaikaina asks.

They’re curled up in Kai’s bunk in Blue base. Her room’s way bigger than Tucker’s, and she doesn’t have to share with anyone (because girl and also Tex is gone), so that’s where they mainly do all their fucking. Which they’ve just done a lot of, since Tucker just got his relocation orders. Now they’re tucked together in a sticky sweaty heap, enjoying the sunlight and waiting out a recovery period.

“I kind of have to,” Tucker says. “Junior needs me. I can’t let him do all that by himself. The Diplomatic core sound like a bag of dicks.”

“And not the good kind,” Kai murmurs sleepily against his shoulder. Tucker hums an agreement.

“It makes sense,” she continues.

“It does?” Tucker asks.

“Well, yeah. We’re not gonna find David in a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. We can cover more ground if we split up.”

Tucker frowns. He wasn’t thinking about that.

“Huh. I guess you’re right.”

“Of course I am,” Kai grins, stretching and nearly punching him in the face. “I’m right about everything. I was right about the butter thing, and the female ejaculation thing, and the dildo thing—“

“Which dildo thing?” Tucker asks.

“—It’ll be easier to find him in we’re both looking,” Kai continues.

“We can even keep each other’s com numbers, and if one of us finds him, we can just call.”

“Okay,” Tucker says. “I guess that’s all right. But one of us better find that bitch soon.”

“Tell me about it. I’ve been waiting for this threesome _forever_.”

*

“HEY! ROBOT GUY!” Kai yells across the canyon. “I’M BORED. SO I’M FUCKING OFF TO GO FIND MY DUDES. JUST TELL COMMAND YOU KILLED ME OR SOME SHIT.”

Then she hops in that purple thing the Reds left behind and sets off.

*

Boy meets Freelancer. Boy doesn’t leave Freelancer for dead, or turn him into the authorities. Freelancer doesn’t let his old boss kill Boy.

If they knew at that point, it’d probably be romantic.

Meanwhile, Kaikaina has improved her handjob technique to the point she can make your average guy cry.

*

Freelancer gets captured. It’s only then that Boy learns Freelancer’s real name, and stuff. Locus calls them on the radio to taunt them about their latest failed rescue attempt.

“What will you tell his family, if he dies?” Locus asks.

“He’s a Freelancer, dumb shit,” Tucker replies. He doesn’t want to give Locus what he wants, but he also doesn’t want to give him any excuse to hurt Wash.

“Surely there’s someone out there who cares about him,” Locus says. “His soulmate perhaps?”

“Far as I know, he hasn’t met his,” Tucker says, wondering what the sick fuck’s up to now. “Can’t miss what you’ve never met.”

“Unfortunate,” Locus replies. “He was so resistant to letting me see the name. He fought rather hard.”

Kimball’s giving him this look, this look of distressed sympathy and he can’t figure out why.

“What the fuck does that have to do with anything?” Tucker asks, racking his brains to figure out how to get them off this topic.

“Does the name ‘Lavernius’ mean anything to anyone over there, Captain Tucker?” Locus asks.

Tucker goes still. He hears somebody swear quietly.

“That’s what I thought.”

“When I find you, I’m going to skin you with my fucking sword,” Tucker snarls. “The aliens taught me a thing or two about what they used to do to human prisoners, and you’re going to get all of them, you hear, you son of a bitch?”

“Tucker—“ Kimball interjects.

“Ah, nice to meet you, Lavernius,” Locus says. “I’ll let you think on that, for a bit. We’ll talk again soon about your insistence on continuing to support this little rebellion.”

The connection clicks of.

Tucker can feel every eye on the room on him, but he can’t manage to open his eyes.

“Tucker?” Caboose asks.

“I need to make a phone call,” Tucker says.

*

(Locus didn’t think to check the other wrist, because the wrist with Tucker’s name on it was the only one Wash was protective of, because he’s met Tucker. As far as he knows, he’s never met Kaikaina, and she’s not over there. Locus can’t hurt her through him, Locus can’t use her to hurt him.)

*

“Kai?”

“Is that my sister?” Grif screeches.

“Heeeey, baby!” Kai cheers through the phone line. “What’s crack-a-lackin?”

“I found David,” Tucker says.

“Really? _Awesome!_ ”

“He’s an _asshole_!”

“Is he hot?”

“Like burning, Kai. And an asshole.”

“I’m liking the sound of this.”

“Kai, focus. He got fucking captured!”

“What?”

“He fucking sacrificed himself to save us and got captured by this creepy evil-Batman type. I need you to come meet me.”

“Sure,” Kai says. “Where you at, boo?”

“Some place called Chorus,” Tucker answers. “Do you know—“

“Oh, yeah, that place was on the tv!” Kai says. “Can I bring my purple thing?” 

“Sure, bring anything with guns. Or lasers,” Tucker says. “Every bit helps, we need this Locus bastard dead yesterday.”

“Purple thing?” Kimball asks.

“I used to have a purple thing,” Donut says.

“If you’re thing’s purple, you might want to have that checked out,” Kai points out helpfully. “Just sayin’. From experience, that can’t be good.”

“Just….” Tucker sighs. “Get here, Kai.”

“I’m on my way!” Kai screams cheerily through the radio line. “Don’t have sex with him without me! Wait—no! You can sex him up without me, just make sure you tape it!”

“I’m going to drown myself now,” Grif says.

The com line clicks off.

*

Kai shows up within a week. Tucker would ask how she got here so quick, but he’s learned not to ask questions with Kai if the answer isn’t actually something he gives a fuck about.

“The main problem we’re running into is that we can’t breach the wall,” Kimball explains.

“Oh,” says Kai, flexing one of her impressive biceps. “I can totally do that.”

“And how exactly are you going to do that,” Kimball asks.

“Let me show you something—“

“—Kai, this isn’t the time for your ping pong ball trick,” Tucker says.

“It’s always the time for my ping pong ball trick,” Kai retorts. “But I wasn’t talking about that. Hey, bro, come here.”

After the twentieth time she bench-presses Grif, Kimball concedes that she’s pretty strong.

“Hell yeah,” Tucker cheers. “My girl’s built like a brick shithouse!”

“They wrote that song about me,” Kai says, putting her brother down.

“She’s not doing anything until she’s given a physical and cleared for duty,” Lady Bones says, striding into the meeting. “Why was I not told we had a new person on base?”

“You’re way hotter than the last medic I hit on,” Kai says.

“I’m flattered,” Lady Bones says, sardonically. “Physical, now.”

“Ooo, ma’am yes ma’am!”

“Shouldn’t you be more threatened by that?” Simmons asks Tucker.

He shrugs.

“That’s just Kai,” he says. “And if she scores, she’ll give me the details later, so whatevs.”

*

Lady Bones sits down heavily next to Tucker and steals his coffee, drinking it all in one swallow.

“How’d it go?” Tucker asks.

“The short answer is, I put her on every antibiotic I have,” she responds. “But she’s cleared for the rescue mission. And she showed me her ping pong ball trick.”

“Nuts, huh?” Tucker asks, grinning.

“I wish I could do that. Also, you’re a brave man, Captain Tucker. There’s no way I could handle her alone.”

“Oh you could handle her all right,” Tucker responds automatically.

She kicks him under the table.

“Anyway,” Tucker continues, “I’m hoping I won’t have to, soon.”

*

They storm the Federal base. This time, they plan better. This time, the breach the wall, because Kaikaina with a grav hammer and a vendetta is a terrifying thing to see.

“He’s this way!” Kai yells, one blasting the enemy forces with one chain gun, another strapped to her back. “I can tell!”

“How do you know!” Tucker screams back.

“My vagina says he’s this way!” Kaikaina screams, tearing off.

Tucker runs after her, covering her back.

“You’re _what_?”

“My vagina has super-sensing powers! C’mon!”

“WAIT,” Tucker yells, chasing after her. “WHAT?”

*

“Tucker! You didn’t tell me our new fuckbuddy was the cop!” Kaikaina shouts. She considers Wash for a moment. “Does he come with a uniform?”

Wash stirs slightly. Kai sets to work breaking the cuffs off him.

“Shhh,” Tucker says. “We got you, Wash.”

*

Boy and Girl rescue Freelancer. Hooray!

*

Lady Bones absolutely refuses to let Kai and Tucker in to medical to see him until Wash’s recovered enough to leave. She’s gotten to know them both a little too well in the brief time she’s known them, and she doesn’t trust them to behave them fucking selves.

*

The first time Wash sees them is shortly after he steps out of medical. They’re waiting for him. They've got their helmets off and everything.

“Hi, Wash,” Kaikaina says. She smiles at him like she’s Christmas come early, but he doesn’t even know who she is until— “I’m Kaikaina.”

Wash looks at Kaikaina. Looks at Tucker.

“Are you kidding me?”

“Nope,” Tuckers says, leaning back and smiling. “Lavernius and Kaikaina, at your service.”

“Yes, great idea, Tucker!” Kai says. “ _Hot._ ”

“I’m still mad at you, by the way,” Tucker says. “Just in case you were wondering, you self-sacrificing prick. Cut that shit out.”

“Okay, I’m losing the thread of this roleplay,” Kai says. “Help a girl out?”

“What is going on.” It’s a demand, not a question. Wash’s hands are fisted at his sides, his body tense like a livewire. “Who are you?” he asks Kaikaina. “How do you know me? How do you know each other? Where did you even come from? What is going on?”

Kai reaches forward and takes Wash’s hand, interlocking their fingers together. Wash falls silent.

“You’re our soulmate,” Kai says. “We’ve been looking for you forever.”

Wash gapes at her, but a bit of tension leaks out of his spine.

“And you’re okay with this?” Wash asks. “That’s enough for you. Some unknowable force decides the two people you should live your life with, and you just accept it? We don’t even know each other that well!”

“Dude, you don’t argue with cosmic fate,” Tucker retorts. “I’m Lavernius. She’s Kaikaina, You’re David. What else is there to know?”

Wash only flinches a little bit at the use of his given name.

“Besides, you’ve totally been waiting for us too,” Tucker says, “Going off your armor color, that is. You’re a closet romantic, aren’t you, Wash?”

“I _was_ ,” Wash answers.

It hangs in the air between them all, makes breathing a heavier activity. Pretty soon they’ll give up and walk away.

“Take off your helmet,” Kai says.

Wash hesitates, but brings a hand up and releases the seal on the helmet. He pulls it off gingerly, hyper aware of the still-healing cuts on his face, his scars, the way he somehow _already_ has helmet hair. Kaikaina smiles at him, eyes roving over his face, and cups his cheek in her hand.She leans forward slowly, like she’s afraid of startling him. She tilts her chin up and—

—kisses him on the nose.

Tucker laughs.

“It can’t possibly be that easy,” Wash says.

“Dude, you need to lighten up. Unclench,” Kaikaina says. “Nothing bad’s going to happen.”

“How can you possibly know that?” Wash asks.

His head tilts, pressing into her palm the barest bit. She shrugs.

“Well, whatever happens, we’ll handle it. I mean, we’re all finally together. It seems like a waste of time spending it freaking out and being mad at each other.” Wash looks at Tucker, who gives him a small smile back. He wraps an arm around Kaikaina’s back, bumps Wash’s shoulder affectionately.

“I could be persuaded to get over my anger,” Tucker says. “I’m a lover, not a fighter.”

Wash looks at the two of them, the open expressions on their faces. They’re waiting on him to answer.

“Okay, fine,” Wash says. “What did you have in mind?”

*

And they lived sexily ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah, I don't know what that was. I have a tumblr? If you want to come be ridiculous with me. Queseraawesome.tumblr.com


End file.
